Happy late birthday Mom

November 4th was your birthday. And for some reason I just didnt "feel" the pain. It was confusing, and a little disappointing. I mean, why wouldn't I shed a tear for you on your 1st birthday in heaven?  Am I heartless?  I couldn't understand why I wasn't falling apart. I went to bed feeling a bit unfinished and almost as if I betrayed you.
I woke up the next day feeling normal. Got myself ready for another 4 days of work and 6 days away from home. Get to the airport with my Stacey and proceeded our normal stressful nonrev flying. Out of nowhere, I started to feel down and sad. Stacey noticed and asked me several times if I was ok. I just kept saying i was ok, just sad. I knew what was happening,  and I couldn't stop it.  And all of a sudden it hit. Grief. It's been over two months since we talked. And I'll never hear you voice again. Never call you on your birthday again. I tried to keep myself together. But this overwhelming panic started washing over me. A tidal wave of loss and pain that i couldnt control or stop. And I just couldn't even exist.  I couldn't hold it back. Right there, in the Atlanta airport, I wept for you. I wept for me. I wept for all of us. Tears just continued. Stacey was trying to help me but I couldn't stop. I held it all in yesterday.  And today it came out. And I am reminded that grief doesn't care where you are, or what you're doing. It doesn't care if everyone is watching. You can be strong for your loved ones all day everyday, but it will find you eventually.  And you know what? It sucks. And it is ok. You always wanted suppression of feelings,  and I've never been able to comply. I'm sorry mom. I will continue to mourn you. Probably my whole life. I just miss you so very much. I finally calmed down a bit after stacey bought me a giant cupcake with at least 2 inches of frosting.  Happy birthday momma. I bet the party in heaven was grand. I love you.